Where Have I Gone

I’ve been missing on here for quite some time. In fact, I’ve been missing from everywhere for quite some time. I’ve been going through some stuff recently, trying to figure out the new dynamic of my life. I haven’t had words to express and even if I had found the words, I wouldn’t have had the time to write them. I’m currently writing this while I pray that the baby naps for more than ten minutes before he’s awake demanding more boob.

A seed catalogue I order biannually has just been posted through the letterbox and it says Autumn seeds on it. Most of the spring seedlings are still in the greenhouse, out growing their pots and desperately trying to find nutrients. That’s kind of how I’ve been feeling, like my roots are a little squished and there isn’t much space for me to flourish.

I’m not saying that I’m not happy because that couldn’t be further from the from the truth. I am ridiculously happy and blessed, I’m just struggling slightly with the newborn season of life again and that is totally okay. I don’t have to always be deliriously in love with parenting. Yes, I chose to bring three beautiful humans into the world but that doesn’t take away from the fact that parenthood is hard especially the first six months when you have a defenceless little boobie monster who needs you for absolutely everything.

I’m realising more and more that it is okay to grieve for the life you had before parenthood but that feeling that grief doesn’t make you a bad parent and that doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children. I love nothing more than being a mama, but more that just a mama I am also a painter, a writer, an aspiring homesteader and those passions of mine have had to be put on the backburner for the last six months or so.

That said I am realising that I need to start making more time for myself. I need to schedule in some time for me to do the things that nourish my soul. I can’t remember the last time I picked up a paintbrush or worked on my blog. I started vlogging and was really loving it, but it just seems unrealistic to be able to sit down for three hours and edit the footage. I’m also noticing the effects of my lack of self-care physically. I’m suffering with inflammation in the body which rears its head as psoriasis, hives and painful joints. I’m not eating well throughout the day and healthy food is so important to me. My passion for healthy food has taken a huge hit and my need for quick convenience food has become somewhat of a problem.

I need to take some real steps in healing myself. The first step I’ve taken is admitting that I’m struggling. I spoke to my amazing husband today and admitted how I’m feeling. He is my superhero and is always fighting my corner. He would literally bend over backwards for me, but he can’t do anything unless he knows how I’m feeling so today I told him. He get’s me, he always does.

My plan for healing will be to focus on the following few things;

  • Focus on nourishing make ahead food
  • When we return from our family holiday to start the GAPS diet (read more here)
  • Schedule in time to pursue my own passions
  • Stop beating myself up about housework and not walking the dog every day
  • Be transparent to my husband about how I’m feeling and asking for help (this is hard for me as I’m a control freak and like to do everything myself)

I’m so blessed to have the life that I have, and I’m so loved and supported by those around me, but I need to stop trying to pour from an empty cup. I know this season of life is short and that that I’ll start feeling myself again real soon. I suffered from post-natal depression following the birth of my second child and was very poorly, but that experience has given me the insight to spot the signs that I’m not taking care of myself well enough. I’m spotting those signs now and saying no PND you are not taking my joy away from me. So here is to healing.

I hope I’ll be back again soon.

R x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *